In The Memory of Everyone

Always be humble, bear in mind that I am no greater than others, everyone stands equally. Being good at certain things doesn't mean I can be too proud of it. No one is perfect; take a look at my own weaknesses before criticizing anyone. Praise but not complain. Love but not hate. Every day and everything is a learning process/cycle. Be confident and honest with everything I do, project a positive and strong image. Care for others sake and strive for justice. Think as a whole but not as myself or individually. Look at a bigger picture and the long-term, don't be greedy for short and small profits, and aim for the best for everyone. Be friendly and kind, offer assistance in an honest way and mean every single word uttered. There are so much more that I do not know and if I know it all then there is no excitement in living anymore. Always ask politely and learn as much as I can in every matter in life. People skill is very important for friendship, teamwork, family, relationship and creating an image of me. What do others think when they look at me? A freak? A monster? A selfish and self-centered bastard? A useless and pathetic guy? Or rather a kind, humble, honest. confident and honourable gentlemen? Think before I utter another word. Every single word or action delivered will determine what the others think of me. Keep in mind that I want everyone to remember me in their happy memory and feel good when they hear the sound of my name. That there was once a great guy named Kevin.

Dreaming of you

Waking up from dreaming of you is certainly not what I last thought before falling asleep. Even it was not the first time but the feeling is as strong as ever, left me staring off at the floor and couldn't do a damn thing about it.

Sometimes it was good dreams - us being together. Yet in almost all the dreams, we will be apart in the end. Dream doesn't bring any meaning except that it was play and control by own thoughts while we were sleeping. If that is damn true then I rather have a fake thought of us being together throughout the dream next time so I don't have to start my day in a bad mood.

Perhaps I'm still alone and that is one of the reasons I still think of you. That makes me wonder since you're with someone now, did you dream of me at all? No way to find out. I've told you that I won’t be talking to you anymore anyway. Basically, I have no one else to talk to too. My brothers are doing pretty well but they are busy with their own life and their girlfriends. My friends are not worthy to share with. So this blog is more or less the only place where I want to put my thoughts to words.

How's your family? I hope all of them are well and great. I miss your mother's cookies and the way your father laughed in his good mood. I guess your sister is married and I'm sorry I couldn't attend that if it's true. It was fun talking and joking with your brother because he seems to be happy all the time, hope that one day I'll have that chance again. When I heard that you were sad because your parents sold the old house with of all our memories there, I was amazed and touched since I felt the same when I moved out too. To this day only I realized how true your words seem to be now. There's nothing left that can remind us of all things we did together last time, the houses are sold, you threw the letters I wrote to you and I burned the pictures of us together.

Still, I remember pretty much in my head. Sneaking out of your house when your parents fell asleep - the gate was pretty damn noisy and it's the only thing I don't miss. The time when you fell asleep in the living room and how heavy you were when I carried you back to your bed. The most vivid was when I had to leave to work in Singapore and how you cried so badly left me in no doubt how much you loved me. Honestly it was the first time I saw you cried that much and it's just because of me. I didn't know I really hurt you so much and that was why I still left in the end. And anything after that were just disasters.

Life is getting better and great plans coming ahead yet I wonder if you will ever be inside of my pictures someday. After all these years and I still miss you and dream of you.

mE !n th!s fák3 w()rld

Failure after failure is what I've been achieving and it's not like I'm really good at failing. It could be that I've discovered 9999 ways to fail and that should let me to zoom in on how to success. Being all success isn't that marvelous too because they might have never try the taste of failing and when it happen to them, is not easy to climb back.

Honestly, I'm not saying I'll be successful for certain. I've realized more and more each day just how fake I really am. Lately, my past seems to creeping up to me in my dreams and my mind until I remember many things I did wasn't sincere at all. I've lied to my friends, my ex-girlfriends, my family and myself. Gosh if I want to be honest, I've lied to God too. With each single lie I've created, I had to cover it with more lies - hoping that the first will never come to light. Sometimes I looked at the mirror and I didn't see myself but a poor lying bastard. So poor at lying that he can only managed to lie to his own self.

Many days if not every day, I long to go back to the first time I made my mistake and promises I’ve broken to her, to my family and my friends then eventually myself. It was from the small little ones that growth to a huge tree of deception. I can be smiling and as friendly as I want at times but I'm not. I wanted to play nice and hope I'll end up hurting no one, but I've forgotten how to be sincere/honest in the progress. I had had enough of it.

What is really sad or disturbing is that it happened too many times that I've learned to see how the flicker of interest gone from the very eyes of the people that realized I am not being real. Right after that second I know that person will never talk to me in the same way anymore. Is this me? I truly hope not. There are some/few people out there in the movie, in the news, in our real life, which are dead honest. They will tell you that you suck right to your face not because they want to hurt your feelings but they want to let you know so you'll really know. That is just pretty amazing. These are the people that are worthy of keeping as friends. They won’t beat around the bush and waste everyone's time thinking about something that is not true. I'm simply jealous of how they are able do so naturally.

I've dreamed of being an astronaut to explore, an accountant to count, a pro basketball player to shine, a pro gamer, a policeman to protect, a doctor out of curiosity and many more for no real reason. Disappointing to see where I really am now after all these silly dreams went down in flame.

Yet I’m still chasing a final wild dream before I really crack down. Let’s just say all the best =)

Once !n A L!fet!me

Again I found myself searching for her pictures. Just for a glimpse will do. Like what I thought many times before the mouse even clicked, it brought back the years lost happiness and even more well-buried sadness. How I won her heart and what I have simply done to lost it over my stupidity. So fast and now everything is messed up. Words are hard to describe but if I don't try then I might never know how it feels.

I have always wanted to talk to you so badly and if it ever reaches you then I wouldn't mind doing it here and now. Otherwise I'll tell you this some day in heaven.

Are you happy now that you have found a new love? Does he wait for you to sleep first before himself? Does he help you to finish the food that you couldn't finish yourself? Most importantly, does he love you more than I do? I've loved you before and will always love you.

To be honest, I am disappointed at how you have told me you only love me alone but deep inside I knew its not important anymore. The fault was not yours to carry to begin with, and we know who has really done wrong.

I still can't believe this, really this love is too frightening that it will probably haunt me for as long as I remember anything about you or us. Once you are gone and it is forever for life. Remember how we broke up so many times before? I have always silently told myself we will get back together sooner or later like how we always did. We were so damn closed after all, how could we ever break apart from each other? Still, now is more than 3 years and all I'm doing is cutting off everything that is related to you. What an unimaginable fool I was. It crushes my feelings over and over again whenever I remember how I let you down.

It doesn't matter anymore does it? No matter how hard I keep scolding myself, it is just too late. You found someone better, I got lost deeper in love labyrinth and time is moving ever so faster. There is no good ending for me like the movie that shed my silly tears watching it - "The Click"

Nonetheless, if this ever really reaches you in a year or a decade or even a millennium.
Please know that I was completely a moron for breaking your heart so many times.
Please, find somewhere in your heart's kindness to forgive all that I ever did wrong.
Pretty please, remember the good old times like how I made you laughed so much that we both cried from it.
I beg of you of this, please. For I have nothing more to ask of you than this little Christmas wish.
So that whenever and wherever you think of me even in the slightest moment, it will be a good and cheerful memory of us together.

I hope you found someone who will never break your heart. Our love has taught me well not to treat our loved one bad. Indeed our love has taught me too much to count. How wonderful when I called it our love and yet how sorrowful that it is not present anymore. I am grateful for all you did and this love will be eternally cherish by me as long as I'm around.

So now I will find my own love to get my life moving on, is my chance to find love again and for me to gain happiness too. Above all, I wish that you will always be better than me. Then I can sleep in peace for the rest of my nights.

A Busy and Tired Week Passing By

Hi guys, here I am again to present my second POST. In a pretty good mood - after much of thoughts and talks to myself, I am motivated again. Does anyone else talks to their own self from time to time? I just noticed that self-talking is a horrible thing but hey, I don't agree with it. This article claims that self-talking is "It may be the early symptoms of schizophrenia"

Am I having hallucination? Hah, if so perhaps I will have two personalities someday. A soft, innocent, weak, silly and childish side then another smarter, firm, daring and thoughtful personality. I know better than everyone that I am not running from reality or mentally ill but in fact it really motivates my brain to keep improving in many ways. That is just me and my way of thinking.

Here comes another busy week for me but surely many more are busier compare to mine. Tests, assignments, presentations, and most common - homeworks. Test starts coming in every subjects, Maths first then very soon Economics's and finally English. Assignments are all given to us, it is now simply up to us on when to start and finish it. Presentations is great, man I love it. It makes me feel so nervous and so shakes up every time before doing it but this is another opportunity to learn. Not everyone gets to go up the front or stage and present something all the time. A golden chance, the way i see it is.

As I did my oral presentation on Wednesday, earlier I felt so nervous until my body was out of energy, and I can't stop looking at the time coming to my presentation. I heard about an advise to calm down in presenting something, "imagine the audience is half naked." Lol, if that is really effective I wont know cause I am not going try it. I did well however, I spoke in a very clear tone. They should understand every single word that I said if they were not thinking how nervous I was. My lecturer told us once, if we are too nervous or speaking too fast, we should take a deep breath then only resume again. I took the advise so was the deep breath too when I noticed I'm going too fast. Not bad. I get to looked at the entire room through a glanced and it was real fun to be there.

Hate to see how the money notes goes away, got to find a part-time job asap. I doubt anyone eats away their money as much as i do. If there's a worm inside my stomach, it got be a freaking huge greedy one. Everything is about money - love, life, entertainments and when i said everything i mean everything. Maybe I will change my point of view when I really become that bloody rich but for now hell yea everything is about those pieces of paper.

And is getting late now, should have sleep before 12a.m. so my brain will work efficiently ;)

Night everyone, till next the time.
Be happy.

My first time blogging - weee [L O V E] O_o

Hola guys, my first time writing a blog, well actually was forced by my English lecturer to do so. Though I envied most of my friends who wrote nice and amazing blogs I've always wanted to write mine. With the helps of a great friend - (nene) thanks lol.
Anyway here goes.

Lets talk about love between a couple of soul mates - as of those who love only one single person for their entire life, I salute you.. I wish i could do that. There was a lady who was turned down by love only once and she decided not to love anymore. Throughout her entire life, she stayed at home and never again love another person. Some may call it stupid or silly but for me, i think she's the most amazing lady I've ever heard of. (If you're wondering who, she is one of the greatest poetry writer) Whats the point of saying "Yes babe, I love only you" when the next moment the very same words are going to another person? Not so faithful.

Of course everyone is looking for love, anywhere, anytime, and anyhow. Who doesn't want a love like Romeo and Juliet's? When we happened to find it, we cherish it with all our efforts and hard works. Just when we felt deeply and stupidly in love, something terrible is tends to destroy it. Perhaps its one of the God's test still we need to come over it. It can be any sort of obstacles - family, financial, studies, works, and most deadliest of all - betrayal.

Venture into a situation where we lost our true love. How are we ever going to find happiness again? I can. Simply by wishing that my love will find a better soul mate than me. Yes true love can happen even if we're not together but just by knowing our loved ones are happy and doing good.. Almost as if I'm living my life for that love.

Ever since I started college, I read about this cool article"Killing with kindness" I even have a short essay about this topic. How are we going to kill with kindness? That's funny but its true. When we pamper someone with too much of love it can bring side-effects. Believe it or not, sadly it happened to myself. So watch out for whatever you are doing, I'll advise everyone that it is crucial to think on other people's feelings and thinkings.

Nonetheless if anyone of us find/found their true love. Try not to lose it. Because how I hope I'm the last fool on earth and no more people will suffer to similar situation like mine.

More ideas to write down and share with everyone but gay tired now.. Good night and sleep well. =]