Failure after failure is what I've been achieving and it's not like I'm really good at failing. It could be that I've discovered 9999 ways to fail and that should let me to zoom in on how to success. Being all success isn't that marvelous too because they might have never try the taste of failing and when it happen to them, is not easy to climb back.
Honestly, I'm not saying I'll be successful for certain. I've realized more and more each day just how fake I really am. Lately, my past seems to creeping up to me in my dreams and my mind until I remember many things I did wasn't sincere at all. I've lied to my friends, my ex-girlfriends, my family and myself. Gosh if I want to be honest, I've lied to God too. With each single lie I've created, I had to cover it with more lies - hoping that the first will never come to light. Sometimes I looked at the mirror and I didn't see myself but a poor lying bastard. So poor at lying that he can only managed to lie to his own self.
Many days if not every day, I long to go back to the first time I made my mistake and promises I’ve broken to her, to my family and my friends then eventually myself. It was from the small little ones that growth to a huge tree of deception. I can be smiling and as friendly as I want at times but I'm not. I wanted to play nice and hope I'll end up hurting no one, but I've forgotten how to be sincere/honest in the progress. I had had enough of it.
What is really sad or disturbing is that it happened too many times that I've learned to see how the flicker of interest gone from the very eyes of the people that realized I am not being real. Right after that second I know that person will never talk to me in the same way anymore. Is this me? I truly hope not. There are some/few people out there in the movie, in the news, in our real life, which are dead honest. They will tell you that you suck right to your face not because they want to hurt your feelings but they want to let you know so you'll really know. That is just pretty amazing. These are the people that are worthy of keeping as friends. They won’t beat around the bush and waste everyone's time thinking about something that is not true. I'm simply jealous of how they are able do so naturally.
I've dreamed of being an astronaut to explore, an accountant to count, a pro basketball player to shine, a pro gamer, a policeman to protect, a doctor out of curiosity and many more for no real reason. Disappointing to see where I really am now after all these silly dreams went down in flame.
Yet I’m still chasing a final wild dream before I really crack down. Let’s just say all the best =)
Monday, November 1, 2010
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